An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
Commissionerās Pharmaceutical Directorate
Trial Dossier Ī©ā7 Ā· Temporary Reanimation Serum (TRS)
Official public version of the TRS dossier. Contents adapted from the classified modal you hated scrolling.
Objective: Evaluate unlife stability indices in subjects previously certified deceased per Protocol 7āAlpha.
- Phase 0: Smell test (pass/fail, incense permitted).
- Phase I: Finger/toe recount variance must remain ā¤ Ā±2.
- Phase II: Hostility toward clerks below 3.5 on the Hissy Scale.
- Phase III: Fullācontact sparring while maintaining polite indoor voice.
Adverse events: āāāāāāāā attempted to unionize the spleens; āāāā developed additional Wednesdays.
// TRS vĪ©ā7 titration
for round in 1..3 {
administer(ml: 13 + d20())
measure(USI, HISSY, VISCOSITY)
if (HISSY > 3.5) apply(soothing_playlist)
if (USI < 0.5) deploy(comfort_snacks)
}
blessings.applyIf(weekend == true)
Placebo arm receives blessed municipal water and two stickers. Doubleāblind except for everyone who can obviously tell.
Assurances: The Commissioner absolutely, definitively, undeniably does not control or influence any entities participating in the serum trials, bidding processes, or market operations. This sentence was composed calmly and voluntarily by an unaffiliated clerk who remains enthusiastic about oxygen and continued employment.