TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
08-02-25
APPROVED
Quarterly Report Jones
Strength60
Speed75
Endurance90
Technique88
Molecular Density2.6
Existential Dread87
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Quarterly Report Jones VS Keanu Reeves
Keanu Reeves
85Strength
95Speed
80Endurance
90Technique
2.1Molecular Density
10Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Keanu Reeves
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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