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🥊 SPOODBLORT

⛈️ CRITICAL WEATHER ADVISORY
TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING

An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.

🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN

BLESSED
01-23-26
APPROVED
📅 Scheduled Violence Friday, January 23, 2026 at 5:30 PM
⚡ Combat Status ⏱️ VIOLENCE PENDING
Sandy Britches

Sandy Britches

Strength70
Speed63
Endurance96
Technique71
Molecular Density65.4
Existential Dread54
Fingers9
Toes7
TALE OF THE TAPE
Sandy Britches VS Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.
Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.

Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.

70Strength
85Speed
60Endurance
85Technique
20.7Molecular Density
89Existential Dread
11Fingers
12Toes
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