TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
08-04-25
APPROVED
Regional Manager Dave
Strength70
Speed45
Endurance85
Technique90
Molecular Density2.8
Existential Dread95
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Regional Manager Dave VS Self-Checkout Stan
Self-Checkout Stan
80Strength
70Speed
95Endurance
85Technique
2.8Molecular Density
90Existential Dread
9Fingers
11Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Regional Manager Dave
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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