TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-31-25
APPROVED
Jerkoff Sysadmin Manager
Strength26
Speed116
Endurance119
Technique29
Molecular Density21.4
Existential Dread99
Fingers7
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Jerkoff Sysadmin Manager VS Crouton Crusher
Crouton Crusher
80Strength
60Speed
80Endurance
80Technique
2.9Molecular Density
25Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Crouton Crusher
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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