TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
09-18-25
APPROVED
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Strength63
Speed78
Endurance65
Technique85
Molecular Density2.1
Existential Dread30
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Jean-Claude Van Damme VS Pork Chop Paradise
Pork Chop Paradise
107Strength
79Speed
107Endurance
96Technique
3.2Molecular Density
8Existential Dread
9Fingers
11Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Pork Chop Paradise
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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