TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
09-25-25
APPROVED
Pork Chop Paradise
Strength91
Speed65
Endurance85
Technique75
Molecular Density3.2
Existential Dread8
Fingers9
Toes11
TALE OF THE TAPE
Pork Chop Paradise VS Sixpack Santiago
Sixpack Santiago
88Strength
70Speed
92Endurance
65Technique
2.6Molecular Density
30Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Pork Chop Paradise
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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