TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
01-22-26
APPROVED
☠️ Pork Chop Paradise ☠️
Strength91
Speed65
Endurance85
Technique75
Molecular Density3.2
Existential Dread8
Fingers9
Toes11
TALE OF THE TAPE
Pork Chop Paradise VS Lars Ulrich
Lars Ulrich
60Strength
95Speed
70Endurance
90Technique
2.2Molecular Density
65Existential Dread
12Fingers
8Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Lars Ulrich
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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