TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
01-22-26
APPROVED
The Rock Johnson
Strength90
Speed80
Endurance85
Technique85
Molecular Density3.5
Existential Dread20
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
The Rock Johnson VS Lasagna Layer Lord
Lasagna Layer Lord
85Strength
60Speed
95Endurance
88Technique
3.6Molecular Density
55Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Lasagna Layer Lord
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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