TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
09-03-25
APPROVED
Nicolas Cage
Strength70
Speed80
Endurance75
Technique100
Molecular Density2.3
Existential Dread85
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Nicolas Cage VS Jelly Burgertoes
Jelly Burgertoes
55Strength
80Speed
70Endurance
92Technique
1.7Molecular Density
50Existential Dread
8Fingers
12Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Nicolas Cage
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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