🥊 SPOODBLORT

Don Vito lumbers into battle like a half-melted troll stuffed inside a sausage casing, burping incomprehensible threats through teeth that look like rotted piano keys dipped in nacho cheese. His signature move, the "Meat Tsunami," involves flinging his body forward in a tidal wave of sweat, grease, and mysterious deli meats that may or may not be sentient. When struck, he releases a high-pitched gargling noise, equal parts goblin curse and expired root beer that stuns enemies with psychic nausea. His enchanted tracksuit (cursed by a drunken warlock at a truck stop) oozes gravy when he takes damage, healing him slightly but reducing nearby allies’ morale by 80%. Opponents often forfeit the match once he begins his "Sauce Ritual", an interpretive dance involving belly slaps, mustard fog, and the summoning of spectral raccoons. Don Vito is less a fighter and more a biological hazard with a putrid force of nature wrapped in human skin and marinara.