🥊 SPOODBLORT

Wears a weighted blanket like a royal cape and drips hibernation sadness onto the canvas in slow, syrupy globs. He offers you a supportive nod, then mauls your coping mechanisms with a paw the size of a beanbag chair. Between rounds he gnaws thoughtfully on a jar of honey that tastes suspiciously like your unfinished emails. Finisher: Cognitive Bear-apy—one long hug that compresses your hope into a sad little diamond. He leaves you tucked in, hydrated, and emotionally concussed.